I am at a moment in life where things are changing rapidly, and it is during this time that I'd like to look back on the things I have learnt so far that I won't likely be reminded of for a while.  In this Journal entry, I'd like to cover happiness.  

To not be happy is still to be.  I remember my first philosophy class at St. Olaf was an Interim course on "Love, Friendship, and the Good Life", where we covered the topic of happiness in some detail.  I've since forgotten that detail, so if you'd like to ground the ideas I'm about to present in a philosophical tradition, please feel free to do so in the comments section!*

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Time is a funny, precarious thing.  When we have it, we don't know what to do with it, and we wish it would go away.  When we don't have it, it's all we think about.   Our lives are governed by time, and yet we never seem to get used to its rhythm.

Technology seems only to exacerbate this predicament.  The incessant need to check for email, to be ready to receive instant messages from friends or random strangers looking you up on facebook - they all have the effect of trying to reduce the time between moments of experience, and with devastating success, at least in my life.

Those who know me know that I love to think.  that's how I used to describe it, but now I'd like to sketch a different picture.  When I pause in my life, it isn't to think, it's to reflect and absorb.

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    The winter night is falling fast as the door opens before you to reveal a man, twenty-seven, drying his hands on his apron that reads, "the problem with the world is that everyone's a few drinks behind."  A floppy chef's hat covers his wavy hair, and he breaks into a smile as he sees you.  
    "Welcome!  Come in! The dinner is just getting started!"
    You doff you coat and come in to meet the other guests.  This, you know, is not just another dinner party.  That tall funny-looking guy who greeted you (i.e. the precarious author of this story) has brought you here to dine on stories from the year just gone.  And as the cold night air quickly becomes only a memory, you are handed your first drink.

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[Note: This was written on 2 July. . . I'm only getting around to sending it now. There's so much to say about things that have happened recently, but you know that I'd rather give a little thought to one topic than none to all.  I think this post only presents one side of my views in returning - my first impression.]

Those of you who have spent some time around me in the last few years know that I really love living in Europe/Oxford. I love the culture, the history, and the closeness of everything. I've spent so much time over there that I have greatly forgotten what it's like being in America. This summer I have a chance to reacquaint myself with the land of plenty, as I'm spending three months at Georgetown as a Visiting Researcher.  I landed on Friday, and my first recognition of culture shock was as I was filling out my landing card and designated the UK as my country of residence. I'm in the US as a visitor, much as I visited Switzerland, Belgium, or Italy. This is a strange land with customs that are foreign but still seem somewhat familiar.

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Every once in a while we get the chance to do something out of the ordinary, to have an experience that can only be described as a convergence of coincidences. I was lucky to have that chance the over the last fortnight, and I am very glad I took it. It is chance; how else can you explain why an American in Oxford could spend week skiing in the Alps with four married Polish couples (only one of which he knew) and then attend a Viennese Ball all the while conducting vital aspects of his doctoral research? You ready for the story?

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It’s Friday night. I’ve just finished a healthy meal of pasta and green beans, read of bit of Gulliver’s Travels, and am now sitting down to do a bit of writing. I have a single glass of whiskey (Aberlour single malt) to keep me company, and a bit of light music in the background. I feel neither old nor young. Welcome to the world of 26.

This age started out a little over a month ago with thoughts I have already described. There are a number of events that have occurred since that warrant close inspection, though. I recount them here for your amusement. (more…)

[Aunt Sally and Uncle Brian, you’ll be getting a beautiful printed copy of this]

Every year that I have been in Oxford has been different, and this one fell right into line. I spent more time outside of Oxford this year than in. I got back to America a record three times this year (four if you count last New Year’s), once during spring, once at the end of the summer, and then for Christmas. I also spent the summer in Austria as a Young Scientist at the International Institute for Applied Systems Analysis. There are vast swaths of my time in Oxford that I seem to have no memory of, possibility because it became a home, someplace that I left and then returned to. I think that most of us can‚Äôt remember what we do most of the time at home. It‚Äôs when we travel and are in new circumstances that we remember best, and so those are the tales I will recount this year for my Year in Review. (more…)

After a long hiatus from the Journal section of my site, I have at last given some love to this area. I use my main page now for day to day little updates, saving this area for more reflective pieces. If you came here through email, be sure to have a look at my main page if you haven’t already.

With that said, read on for a bit of looking back, a taste of my research, and how I am coping with the nomad inside.
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[most of the links in this entry are to pictures I took of the event mentioned]

The view from my windowTime is slowing down now. Three weeks ago, I caught the 2am bus to the airport and by midday I had found myself unpacking my things in a little room overlooking some vineyards outside of Vienna. This is my home for the next few months - a place where I can think in the mornings, focus on my studies, and meet people from all around the world. It was a busy road to get here, though, and certainly that road is worth a few journal entries on its own, but a (long) selection of highlights will have to suffice.

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Hello everyone,

When I last wrote, we were at the beginning of term time in Oxford. 8th Week has now just ended, and with it we see the undergrads once again depart. Oxford has taken on a real charm now, as I see it, and I was finally able to take a weekend off to enjoy it. Yup, a whole weekend to myself. It was . . . amazing. Calm. relaxing. A chance for me to look around and see once again the beauty of the place I live in. Spring is starting to appear, and yes, I promise to take pictures!

This isn’t going to be an overly poetic or profound Journal entry, as I just wanted to get everyone up to date with my life. First off, I have, finally, some good news aout my funding! After searching high and low, across the seas and under every rock, I now have my tuition and fees paid for for this year. The Martin Institute (where I do my research) has created the Director’s Discretionary Research Training Fund, which is basically a hardship fund for the DPhil students here. My application got approved for them to waive my tuition and fees for this year. That’s one huge concern off my chest!

Another development in this part of the woods is that I received confirmation of my place as a Young Scholar at the International Institute for Applied Systems Analysis this Summer. What does this mean? Well, it means that I get to spend three months in a palace outside of Vienna, purely dedicated to getting my research on the concept of fairness thoroughly under hand. Wahoo! It’s a fantastic opportunity and one that I’m really looking forward to making the most of.

Unfortunately, Camille, my best friend, will coming over from Vermont to spend her summer at an internship in London at almost the same time that I’ll be in Austria. Two ships passing in the night.

I’m hoping that at some point in the summer that Camille, Kathleen (my girlfriend), and Kathleen’s brother will be able to come out to Vienna for a weekend, possibly with a trip up the New College Chalet in the French Alps.

I know what you’re all probably thinking. “Gee, that’s a hard life, Sam.” I beg to differ ;-) Things are certainly on the up-swing over here right now, and they are going well with my family as well. Emily has a great new job. Melissa and Stuart are watching their adorable kid get bigger every day. Dad has finished his radiation and I think they got rid of all the cancer.

I’m sorry to make this entry so brief, but I wanted to pass on the vital stats at least, so that everyone has an idea of what’s going on over here.

Enjoy yourselves, take some time to enjoy Spring, whenever it comes, and drop me a line (either by email or on my website) if you have a moment. A resolution that I am making with myself is to answer all correspondance as soon as possible. That’s a vast improvement on my appaling behaviour with some of you lately. So go on, test out the system :-)

~Sam

Happy New Year. It’s now the end of January, when the academic world tucks into its work, settling in for the real business of doing research. The holidays are now a warm memory for us, like that first sip of coffee when we take a moment to breathe in the morning. I would like to relive some of those memories with you here. So snuggle in, cradle that coffee to keep you warm, and enjoy this piece of my life.

For those of you who have heard of my tribulations with ‘the system’ in the past, it should come as no surprise to you that things have not changed on that front. This time the adventures centred on renewing my UK student visa. My old one expired in October, which is when I submitted my application for renewal. One aspect of the application, though, is providing proof of funding, which is a bit difficult to prove since I still don’t have any, as there seemed to be a discrepancy between my loan agency and New College (nothing to do with me) that neither were willing to settle (this, mind you, was only the case for me. Over a half dozen other students at New have the same loan I was applying for, from the same agency, and encountered no problem…). Since the holidays were getting closer, and I had already bought my tickets in October for my holiday to America, I decided to pull my application from the Home Office and head home with no idea whether I would return. This, understandably, worried my supervisor a bit, but it was time for me to get back in touch with America, as I had been away the entire year. Luckily, I applied for a visa via the General Consulate in New York upon my return the US, and managed to get my new visa a day before returning to the UK. There are any number of words appropriate to describe this experience - down to the wire, skin of my teeth, pure luck - but overall, it’s just another adventure to keep my life entertaining.

Visa issues aside, there was much more that filled my days in the three weeks I which I visited my many homes. I hopped across six states during that time, seeing as much of my family and friends as I could. More than anything, this trip was a chance for me to reconnect, if only briefly, with as many people as I could. Sometimes this meant meeting for coffee for a few hours, sometimes I was able to see them for a few days. It was amazing to learn during these encounters the meaning of seeing someone face to face; of giving them a hug and getting one from them in return. I keep in touch with many of my friends, albeit sporadically at best, but it is mainly over email and perhaps the occasional phone call. These media rarely allow for the two of us to ‘be’ together, though. We share our thoughts, but we can’t see each other’s face, or feel the hugs and the tears.

When I reflect on a friend or family member, I see the way they move, I feel the way they embrace after a long absence, I hear the concern and the joy in their voice, I taste the experiences we’ve shared together. Their beliefs and questions come to mind. So little of these things are conveyed when we are unable to share the same space, at the same table or on the same couch. This I call ‘being’ with the someone else, a term, enlivened for me by my good friend Breia, that means living through experiences with someone who is experiencing them as you are. Who my friends and family are is what it means to be with them. Watered down, you could say to know someone is to be with them.

If that is true, and I believe it is, then nothing would seem to be as important, in terms of friends and family, than the opportunities we have to be together. Nearly all of us, though, live scattered lives, some perhaps not as spread as mine, some undoubtedly more so. Being with our friends and loved ones is infrequently part of our daily routine of work, eat, and sleep. Even if we live in the same town, we may go weeks without sharing a coffee. We may email, but as many of you regrettably know, it can take days, weeks, yes even months for me to respond sometimes. What does it mean, then, to have these friendships and familiar ties, if we so infrequently get a chance to experience them? Is life less full or more full if our ties are many but our time with each is short? Am I not being true to these ties if I am able to give them so little of my time?

I really have mixed feelings about this. I have a lot of gratitude for the friends and family that I have; without them my life wouldn’t be nearly as rich. And yet, the question has been raised if I might be adversely affecting myself and others by being spread too thin. If someone were to complain that we don’t spend enough time together, what would constitute ‘enough’? Surely it would be different for every relationship. It’s also different, I believe, for each person in the relationship. One may feel that evenings and weekends should be spent together; another thinks it’s enough to have a walk together once a term. One would be happy to catch up ‘when we can,’ while another thinks we should purposefully make time for each other each week.

What happens when two people, ‘being’ together, have different expectations on how much time or how many experiences are ‘enough’? What if you both feel that more time should be spent together, but the time just doesn’t exist? My three weeks in America, for a large part, were filled with these questions.

For a long time, I had a conception that when two people meet, they will naturally find an equilibrium between them, a rhythm of interaction that matches their personalities and the existing pulls each already has on their time. That conception has slowly fallen in the past year. If our feelings for each other match, then it is often the case that our lives do not. Sometimes, the reverse is true. I want to make it clear that I’m not only talking about romantic relationships here. The same mismatch occurs in family and with my friends, though my awareness of this is only now really increasing. What should be the outcome of this mismatch? Should one person‚Äôs idea of the interaction rule over the other’s? Should they work out, if only subconsciously, a compromise between each of their desires and environments? Should they continue to muddle through, addressing the hurt feelings and strained emotions when they become too much? Are there more options? Are these options fair to both people?

That last question is perhaps the one that most interests me. In a world where so often things seem to work against us, is there a conception of fairness that can help two people ‘be’ together? Most often, I think we say life is not fair because of the current state of affairs (outcome-based) or the way that state of affairs came about (process-based). Sometimes we impersonalise it by saying that ‘the system’ is not fair because it favours some over others. Fairness invokes notions of equality, which I think is correct, but the type of equality depends on the characteristics of the person who is claiming that something is fair or unfair. If both people invoke the same notion of equality, and agree on the type of fairness they are addressing (outcome or process), they may come to a common view on whether their situation is fair or unfair, but unless it’s fair that is only the first step in working out a lasting friendship or familial tie.

I think the most difficult relationships are when both people see things as being unfair, but there is little they can do to change the situation, either because it is out of their control or because they choose not to shift their environment for the other person (most often, I think it’s a mix of the two). I’m thinking here of instances where both people want to make more time for each other, to be together more, but commitments to work, to other friends, to themselves, etc, don’t allow them to. What to do here, I am not sure.

In any case, though, what my trip to America allowed me to do was to share a bit of my life once again with many of my friends and much of my family. Fairness aside, it was fantastic to see everyone again, and I am thankful for the many new memories I have. For those of you I saw, thank you. For those of you I did not get a chance to connect with, I hope we will be able to do so soon.

Take care,
~Sam

Dear all,

This is my first post utilising the full capabilities of my new website, so if something doesn’t go right, please let me know. My site is up and running now, repleat with pictures and other goodness.

I’d like to use this journal entry for two purposes. On the one hand, it is a review of where I have come to date in my intellectual development. On the other, more personal purpose, is that this entry serves as a justification of sorts to myself for why it is that I am at the Martin Institute for Science and Civilization, the Business School, and in academia in general. I hope, as many of you have commented in the past, that I am not alone in my interests. Perhaps I am able to put into words some things that you have been pondering over, and perhaps you can help me better put into words concepts that I can only touch on because I am stuck in my thought process. If your comments are personal, I encourage you to email me (samuel.evans@ponderingmind.org). If your comments are more general, then please post them in the comment section at the end of this entry (on my website).

A few weeks ago, I was deep in the process of sorting out a DPhil topic. I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do, mainly connecting my work understanding the interplay of different value-based dialogues (see my dissertation ) with my interest in strategic/security studies (see www.oussg.org.uk). My last attempt was to look at the way security concerns were accounted for in designing large water projects by taking part in a design process for dam or dike development in the South (possibly Southeast Asia). I thought there were holes in it certainly, but that it was a good start. When I took it to my supervisor, however, he commented that I had shown signs of the ugly sister syndrome. Troublesome indeed :-) This is Steve’s way of saying that I’m trying to take a shoe (cultural theory, in this case) and jam it onto the first foot I see (the ugly sister, i.e. security). Try as I may, it just ain’t gonna fit. Fair enough. Too often, when we have a hammer, everything we see is a nail. Steve’s advice to me was to have a think about what it is about these diverse topics that interests me. Am I interested in security per se, or in some aspect of security? Thus began the age of Wim, ‘What interests me?’

It’s been a fruitful time since then. I have returned to my old writings, including some I had done while still at Olaf, to figure out why I studied what I did, and if I’m not studying it any more, why I left. Many of you have asked what the common thread running through all of my diverse interests is. I’ve often asked myself the same thing! When Steve asks it, however, I can’t give such an easy reply. So here it is, in reply to all your queries.

When I came to St. Olaf, I had it in my mind to be a physics major. I really enjoyed physics in high school, and it had that touch of fundamental usefulness that I latched onto when it came time for me to decide what to do with my life. When I got to Olaf, however, I discovered philosophy (which was a word I was barely familiar with before then) and had a huge crush on the subject. My reasoning behind taking on the philosophy major in addition to my physics major was that the physics would get me a job and the philosophy would keep me sane :-) I enjoyed both degrees, but as part of doing a double major, I had to take a class that connected both topics. The logical choice was the philosophy of science, and here began my uneasiness. I enjoyed the intellectual forays we had in the class, but I began to realise that wasn’t enough for me. What seemed to interest me about science was not so much the ontological nature of quantum particles as it was the way science was used by non-scientists. I had the opportunity then to do an independent research project for my senior thesis, and focused on laying out the requirements I thought were necessary to hold the position of the US President’s Science Advisor. A very interesting task that, while getting me an A, blew my chances of getting distinction on my philosophy degree because it wasn’t ‘philosophical’ enough. I knew that would probably be the case when I embarked on the project, but felt that it was really something I wanted to do. Not getting distinction, and the fact that my advisers for my dissertation came from the departments of Philosophy, Physics, Anthropology, and International Relations, was clue for me that my interests did not lie within the traditional bounds of disciplinary research.

I had the opportunity to come to Oxford for a year as a visiting student, and grabbed the chance. Knowing what lay in store for me in physics and philosophy, I decided to branch out to other disciplines, and see what they had for me. What interested me at this point was the interaction of science and the state. The first term, I found myself studying the role of scientific advise in the Elizabethan court, and the politics surrounding the US and USSR atomic bomb projects. Both of these were interesting in themselves, but I was also developing an interest in current affairs.

It was at this time that I found the Science and Society Programme, headed by Steve Rayner. I convinced him to take me on as a student the next term, and we proceeded in an overview of the cultural theory approach to the interaction between science and society. I loved those tutorials, and the overarching feeling I had was that I was in the right place, though I wasn’t sure what it was. Concurrently, I was studying quantum cryptography, which involved learning the basics of all of the ways we can use quantum particles to encode information and transmit it securely. I dabbled for a while trying to connect my interests in cultural theory and quantum mechanics, laying out similarities in uncertainty management, but gave up fairly early on because all of the connections I could make were far too tenuous. I see that as the second big attempt at connecting two disperate concepts.

One thing I got out of my work in quantum cryptography was that it was a science heavily based on an application. The application, moreover, had, I thought, fairly large ramifications for society if it was fully developed. Imagine, on the positive side, banks that could securely transmit all of their information around the world in such a way that eavesdroppers cannot intercept the messages. Sounds good, right? But employing the same technology adversly, say to organise terrorist plots, is not as good. How do you keep the technology out of the hands of those who will do harm with it while giving it to those who will do good? How do you know who will do harm or good? Who is the ‘you’ that makes the decision? These questions fascinate me.

My last term I continued studying with Steve and in addition took a tutorial in understanding the role of secret intelligence in the wider policy process. My emphasis with the intel research was on understanding the role of intelligence in deciding what the issues are that it should focus on, and how it can effectively transmit its findings to those who need it (typically understood as policy-makers). ‘Science’, per se, had left the picture for the moment. I was now interested in decision-making. My work in cultural theory during this period focused on the concept of an emergent solution, i.e. one that was not decided by a single actor, to complex social problems. What does it mean for there to be decions with no decision makers? This term ended with two divergent interests and no real connection between them. I had an interest in how intelligence organisations were changing (or not) with the end of the Cold War and a seemingly unconnected interest with esoteric decision-making processes. I left these two in discord for the summer, as I returned to the US for a few months of work. I had been accepted for the MSc in Management Research (studying with Steve) by this point, and had also taken up the position of President of the Oxford University Strategic Studies Group. Again two interests that seemed to many (including my supervisor) not to coincide.

When I return to Oxford in the Autumn of 2003, I set about to learn all the ins and outs of doing research in the management discipline. My interest in management spawned solely from my association with Steve and his association with the Said Business School, where the Science and Society Programme is based. I say that quickly, but being connected to the business school has probably been one of the best things for me. It has allowed me to not become indoctrinated into the predominant disciplines arguing over the role of science in society, and thus I am more able to form my own opinion.

Early on in the year, in addition to my course work, I needed to decide on a dissertation topic. This was a bit of a playground for me, and it was the second time that I was able to research whatever I wanted (the first being my senior thesis). I have to admit, however, that I was a bit scared. The stakes were higher now, and I saw my choices as having a lot of effect on my future direction of research once I got to the DPhil (PhD equivalent). At the same time, I felt like I was interested in so many things that I could just be happy studying any of them, and wished that my supervisor would just give me a topic. He didn’t do this, and for that I am thankful because it made me try to understand what my diverse interests were and how they could be combined. In the end, and I mean the very end, I decided to focus on decision-making issues over science debates at the international level. Specifically, I looked at the role of the World Trade Organization’s Dispute Settlement Body and their ability to handle the full complexity of the dispute over argicultural biotechnology between the US and EU. My dissertation ended up not even mentioning management, but it was a piece of solid research, and thus got me a distinction in my degree. It also had no mention of security, intelligence, or strategic studies. This bothered me, and since then (this past August) I have been thinking about my desire to include these areas in my research, and how to best go about doing it.

After a few failed attempts at DPhil topics, Steve gave me the ugly sister diagnosis and sent me on my ponderous journey. The journey as I have described it so far is more chronological than ideational, and now I want to try to draw my interests together.

At the most philosophical level, I am deeply interested in the translation of the possible to the actual. I start from the standpoint that we cannot know what is outside of our perception. That is not to say it does not exist, but rather that we have no information on it. Of the things that we can perceive, before we perceive them we are only aware of the possibility of their existance (the possible). When we perceive them, they become actual and the function that described their probability of being one way or another has collapsed. Why do we perceive events one way and not another? Part of it is the way the information of the event is provided to us. An easy case would be that you are watching a movie and first the sound cuts out, then the sound comes on and the image cuts out. These are external filters on information that, for the purpose of argument, you cannot control. They are quite different from internal filters on information, such as covering your ears, then your eyes. The internal filters are ones that the individual places on himself.

More than the taking in of information (the perception), I am interested in how decisions are made. The decisions are based on information one perceives. How are these decisions made, and in particular, how do they relate to the internal and external filters applied to the information on which the decision is based? Also, how are new external filters established through which the decision (i.e. information about the decision) will be disseminated? These are the questions I feel will most likely guide the rest of my life.

In terms of my research interests now, I feel that the strongest external filters are those applied via technology. For instance, radio only allows for us to receive sound, whilst television allows video as well. The internet goes one step further by allowing interaction. non-information technologies are just as important here. For instance, a torch (flashlight) allows us to gain information we would otherwise not have, as do night vision goggles. A chair allows for us to receive more information at one place and time, by making us comfortable. A wallet is a repository of information. All of these technologies have had an impact on the way information about decisions is transmitted, received, and disseminated.

The most important decisions, I feel, are those that determine our ability to provide for our basic human needs (shelter, food, security). Meeting those needs seems to be the underlying principle of the nation-state (though I probably have a narrow interpretation of the nation-state here). More and more, however, I believe that our ability to meet those needs is transferring to the hands of non-state entities (NGOs, multinational companies, and even civil society). Who is making these decisions now, and what are the filters through which they perceive the information they base those decisions on?

Decisions are made when there is a situation with more than one perceived future. The most interesting types of decisions to me are ones that are over dilemmas, that is, ones where it is unclear as to whether one option is any better than the other, and yet the difference in outcome based on the decision is (or can be) very great. In a dilemma, as in other decision circumstances, there seems to be three orthogonal bases for decision making: rational, emotional, and moral/normative. While dilemmical decisions may use more than one basis, I find the moral/normative one the most intriguing because it is not suseptible to rational argument, nor is it explainable by resorting to emotions. I think that morality, as much as rationality, is what makes us humans. We live our lives based on what we think we should do (whether we do it or not).

I do not believe that we should all live by a single set of normative values. I think there is more than one viable way to justify our decisions, though I am not sure how much we are able to choose which of these ways we use. Certainly, one individual, or one group speaking as a whole, may not provide more than one justification for a decision, but the justification they provide may be different, even incommensurable, with justifications provided by other groups for their decision based on the same information. If we live in a world of multiple valid sets of incommensurable norms, then I feel we should foster the full complement of these sets rather than strive for one to win out over the others.

I believe that our (individual or group) normative stance is shaped by our surroundings, both social and physical. We may have different stances in different contexts, but in similar contexts, we would expect to hold similar stances. Do we? How do technologies change or solidify the contexts we find ourselves in? How can we (states, markets, and civil society) develop technologies that allow for multiple moral and normative stances to co-exist? These are questions I would like to address in my thesis.

Humans will most likely always find something to fight about, and I do not believe that is a bad thing. The less those conflicts threaten our basic needs, however, the better they are for society. Can we facilitate constructive argumentation (what some call argumentative democracy) to lessen the possibility of armed conflict? How might we be able to through technological developments?

This last point is most likely my weakest, though I think it is my most important, as it is my latest attempt at connecting two seemingly disperate areas. How strong do you think my grounding is? Where do you disagree?

~Sam

P.S. isn’t this fun?!

Dear All,

I’m sitting in the Gardens at New College right now. I just got out of the breakfast in Hall that always follows Chapel on a Sunday morning. The air, cool and moist, brings with it Autumn and the changing of the leaves. This is how I am starting my doctorate.

The term officially starts today, and already I know that I am doing too much. There are funding concerns, a number of jobs I am holding down, my commitments to the Strategic Studies Group, and, of course, my research. It’s all a bit too much at the moment, and yesterday my body told me it was time to take a moment for myself. So I put on my cleats (or boots, as they’re called here) and ventured forth onto the soccer (football) field (pitch). My asthma is much worse these days because I’m not training regularly, so I wasn’t able to do too much exertion, but it felt good to kick the ball around. My housemate Michael joined me and as he took shots on me, I acquired all of the scrapes and grass marks that are the reasons I love this game.

Last night was the first bop of term. New College has once more lived up to its high standards of gyration incitement; the ancient stone walls were sweating as the bodies, beautiful, danced the night away.

And today, there was Chapel. Many of you know that I am continually testing and questioning my faith. I have found, however, that in this past year, I have done much less of it, not out of satisfaction with my position, but rather out of complacency. My first year here I had little to lean on apart from the institutions. Last year, I developed strong friendships that provided a source of strength. This year, however, I realise that my life here is created by me, and I can choose the emphasis it takes.

A doctorate from Oxford includes the pleasure of complete freedom to research. My only commitment to the University is to hand in my thesis in three year’s time. The ordering of my day is therefore up to me. This, I think, is fantastic. Each year, I am learning something about structuring the hours that I am given in a day. Last year, the epiphany came when I understood how to put my studies first. This year, I hope to sort out the rest of the lot. This weekend has taught me something very valuable in that regard. Exercise and spiritually, as I have often heard my mother say, are crucial parts of a balanced life.

I look back on my undergraduate days at St. Olaf. I can’t say that studies always, or even most of the time, came first, but I did feel a balance there that has been noticeably lacking since I crossed the pond. St. Olaf trains the whole person, and Oxford trains the mind. It is up to me, therefore, to fill out those other parts of my being that I know need attention, particularly through exploring my faith and exercising my body.

It seems funny that early last week I gave a talk to all of the new MSc students who are starting on the course I did last year. Mine was the practical talk, laying out in plain words (and without any faculty present) what they needed to do to survive the year. Studying was important, I made sure that was clear. Late nights will be had in the library. But there is much more to life here (anywhere!) than that thing you call a job. You can spend it in front of the TV, surfing the net, or putzing around, or you could carve it up, feed your soul and your body as well as your mind. I might do well to heed my own advice.

~Sam

P.S. At the moment, you may notice that my old website is down and my new website (www.ponderingmind.org) is not fully up and running yet. I’ll let you know when it is, and then all of these emails will appear in journal form there.